Serius, Aku Bengang.

Baran aku dah datang. Tapi please baca dengan muka yang tersenyum.

Ok, I need to do this.

Peeps, I'm tired of this, really. I'm tired of thinking what's wrong with me, until it really affects your life. I'm tired of being misunderstood, you know, it's exhausting. Really.

I must be the most complicated person in the world, and to be honest, till this moment, maybe I myself can't understand who am I, the real me. My mom once have said that she doesn't know what's wrong with me. I am the most complicated, the most Miss-Hard-to-Understand in my family. Not everyone can understand me, be it on the surface, or deep in my heart. I am the most problematic child in my family. I have to admit. It broke my heart when my mother said that. But then, I never blamed her for stating the truth. Truth hurts us, right?

But it's sickening to have people said like this.
"Athirah, sorry, saya tak tahu awak macam ni, macam ni, macam ni bla bla bla sebenarnya, saya ingat awak macam ni, orang cakap awak ni macam ni macam ni, tapi tak" after two three four, five, six years you know me?

Please la, please, what bothers you, actually? Because I'm not like you, because I'm not as fun as you, because I'm not easily liked by people, etc, etc. I'm not adorable, and I'm sorry for myself because of that, but then, does it bothers you too much?

Yes, you can't understand me, it's hard to understand me, but does it gives you rights to judge me, ridicule me, and talk behind my back because you don't know me? Yeah, you can ridicule me as much as you want, you can talk about me behind my back, and you know what, I think it does not affect me much. Because what ever happen, I am me, I'm the one who are responsible towards my actions. Not you kan?

I'm not being arrogant this time, and this is not what you call cowardice. Because if you think that's so, talk to your hand, okeyh? Because it does reflect your. I'm tired, too tired to hear from everybody else that you are talking about me with other people, and I just smile and smile and smile sampai rasa dah penat sangat nak senyum. You are annoyed with me, fine, I just can shut my mouth and you can pretend that I'm not there, but please, please, and please, I'm begging you, not to affect people around me. I don't want to be blamed by others just because they are my friends, and you think that they are same like me.

Does it really bothers you when I am happily hyperactive, and does it really annoys you when I don't talk to you just because I don't have mood, or what-so-ever? Pelik betul. Aku buat macam ni salah, buat macam tu salah. Dah, apa yang betulnye? Come on, I AM a human being, although I am being ALIENATED or I make myself an ALIEN, apa-apa je lah, does it really affects you somewhere? Pardon me if you do, because your mood does not affect me. And if it affects me pun, I won't blamed you for making my usual daily life a bad day.

I'm sorry, because I rarely talk behind your back, making a big deal out of nothing with what you do, but not to say that I don't. I just don't want to. Aku terasa, aku annoyed, aku marah, aku sedih, aku frustrated, heyt, it's all in my heart. I'm not like you, you can just blurt out what do you want to say.

Ingat aku tak sedih bila orang tak suka aku? Ingat aku tak sedih ke bila orang kata aku lone ranger? Bila seorang lecturer kata, "You are such a lone ranger, Athirah", ingat aku tak terasa? Ingat hati aku hati batu ke apa? But then, if it's my fault, why don't you all say it out loud, IN FRONT OF ME, instead of talking behind my back and laughing at my mistakes? But what did you do? Hah, main pulau-pulau, and biar semua orang salah anggap pada aku. Tak pe, aku terima.

If I didn't say anything, it's not because you did not do something wrong, it's not because I don't care, it's because you are my friends, and I see it's no use besarkan menda kecik and hurts my friends' feelings. See? Aku anggap kau kawan, selamanya aku anggap kau kawan aku. Even though kau buat taik, even though kau mengumpat pasal aku kat belakang, even though you think that I'm such a burden pun, KAU STILL KAWAN AKU.  And for your info, walaupun aku tak boleh paham kau, aku terima kau sebab kau kawan aku. Kau buat la macam mana pun, kau still tetap kawan aku.

Tapi kau, kau, kau, kau, kau dan berapa banyak kau boleh ke terima aku seadanya? Kau rasa kau dah cukup kenal aku ke? Kau rasa kau betul-betul perfect ke? Just because you are accepted by everybody else, doesn't mean that you are not wrong. But still, people accept you for who you are.

Sorry kalau aku buat salah. Aku manusia, aku tak sempurna. Tak kisah la kalau kau ada masalah dengan aku ke, aku boleh tahan. Aku boleh sabar. Tak kisah kalau aku dengar kau mengumpat aku ke, mengutuk kat belakang aku ke, aku boleh terima. Aku boleh sabar. So, kau jeles ke bila aku boleh sabar, bila aku boleh simpan apa yang aku tak puas hati pada kau dalam hati sampai kau nak cabar aku luahkan semua yang aku rasa depan-depan mata kau?

Aku tak pernah kata aku betul. And aku tak pernah halang kau untuk betulkan aku, sebab apa, sebab tu la gunanya kawan. Tapi kau buka aib aku, mengutuk aku belakang-belakang, tu selesaikan masalah ke?

Baik, lepas ni aku just remain silent, stay silent, tak bercampur dengan kau if that's the best thing I can do. I don't want to annoy people around me. Aku kan lone ranger selama ni.

Dah. Kau nak cakap lagi, cakap, cakap, cakap sampai puas. Sebab aku nak ucapkan terima kasih. Sebab apa? Kau pikir sendiri la.

P/S : Nak cabar aku lagi? Teruskan.

Hah, Siapa-siapa yang tak berkaitan ni jangan pulak terasa. Aku tak nak pisang berbuah dua kali. Karang orang lain yang terasa, kantoi pulak la kan, dia cakap kat belakang aku. Macam dulu-dulu. Tetiba pulak semua terasa. Kelakar gila. Zack, terima kasih kerana mengantoikan satu kelas dulu. Tabik kepada anda.