Saya cuma nak bagitahu awak...

There's one time before where I can't aimed as high as possible in what ever I want to do because I have to think about my future with him. You know, I didn't realize until now, that it is such a burden for me to think about "our" future instead of "my" future. I became very serious in building our relationship, for our future together. I hesitated to aim for overseas because I was afraid that we will be too far away from each other, though I'm used to long-distance relationship. I asked him, will he wait for me if I further my study outside the country. He answered "Depends." That made me nervous. His answer made me did not want to aim for overseas studying because I did not want anything happened to our relationship. God knows how childish I was, naive, wasn't me?

However, this "goodbye" makes me realize all about me. I realize what I want to do. I know what I want. I know who I am. Yes, I used to be ambitious, but I didn't have high determination to begin with. I was afraid to lose what I have. I rather live in a safe zone. I didn't realize before that I was afraid to challenge myself. But that's not me. My mother taught me too much about life. Of course, she never pressured me to do something I don't want to. But I finally see what people hope to see in me. I really didn't realize before. All this while, I didn't learn how to "rock and roll". But this is how I want and going to live my life after this.

I know what I want to do now. I know what I want to achieve. I know now what I'm going to do. In the next five years, ten years. Though it DOES mean that I have to sacrifice what I used to love. What I want before. I just want to lead a very simple life before. It is different now.

I know I have the tendency to surprise myself.

I know I can do extraordinary things by myself.

I know I can achieve more that I can achieve right now.

That's what I promise to myself. This is the time for me to challenge myself. And please, though you think it's a crap, do support me to give my very best. Thank you in advance.

Someone asks me if I want to continue to live like this. To be honest, when other people can't live without someone they want, I wish and still live without one. It's almost 5 months since I became single! But I don't think I can love somebody now. I don't know if this heart can be heal or not. Yet I think my heart has already open to accept somebody though I'm not to be in serious relationship. It's better and safer to befriend with anyone, just likely, to be the same as other people. I like him, this one person, but let Allah do His work. If he's for me, I'll accept it with open arms. But if he's not the one, I'll wait until Allah send me one. =) I'll wait until that time. Patiently.

Saya tak mudah jatuh cinta. Believe me. Saya susah untuk sayangkan orang. Tapi bila hati dah sayang, susah untuk saya lupakan sayang tu. And sebab tu saya tak berani nak ambil risiko untuk jalinkan sebarang hubungan dengan sape-sape pun. Kesetiaan saya buat hubungan tu akan jadi tertekan. Kesetiaan saya yang jadi beban dalam hubungan tu.

Bukan senang. This time, it won't be easy. I'm sorry. Saya mengaku saya memilih, tapi ini untuk kebaikan saya jugak kan? Saya tak betul-betul tak nak hati saya hancur lagi. Sebab saya takkan lupa macam mana saya menangis, meraung, malam-malam sebab dihina, sebab dituduh, ditengking, hanya kerana saya sayangkan seseorang.

It won't be easy.

And this time, my mission is my priority. If you really love me, just wait for me. Just... wait.