Tolong baca sampai habis sebelum menilai. Terima kasih.

Huaahh.. OK, to be honest, I'm heartbroken. Bukan heartbreaker. Aku susah nak break heart orang ni. Nanti aku pulak yang menangis untuk dia. Eceh.

 

That is currently what I feel. You can say anything. I can accept what ever you think is correct and accepted by you. I can accept it if you want to tell me that I'm a horny bastard, playing with people's hearts or what so ever. But here is the case.

Your first love left you for another woman or girl. You are terribly wounded. You can feel that you are doomed. Everything was against you. You love him like hell, and hell, is what he gave to you. Your heart was chopped to bits. Your soul lost its direction. People around you, things around you have no definition at all. Everywhere you go, yes, people can see your physical being, but emotionally, you were long gone to your lost world.

Yet the inner strength in you make it possible for you to build up yourself back. You tried so damn hard to bring yourself to the reality, seems like you were given a chance from God to fix what ever mistakes that you have done in your life. However when you met people, it's like no one can ever build that same feelings towards your first love again. The man who showed you the meaning of misery and pain. No. The man who showed you the meaning of love.

Then came a boy, whom you like as a friend, made you smile without you being forced to. He came unintentionally, and make you laugh, of course not a fake one. People started telling you that you are so lucky to have him, and you started to live your life to the fullest. Your world have been changed once again. But for some reasons, you just cannot believe in love again. You love him, but that's that.

He keeps telling you that you are his friend, not more than that. And you egoistically said the same to him.

"You are just my friend, come on."

"Why so serious, I'm just joking dear."

"You love somebody else, I know. Because I can't love other people too after what he had done to me."

You were so ego. Because you were afraid that you will hurt once again. Every time he told you that you were just his friend, your heart ached, though. You can feel the pain zzzzaaapppp pinned to your heart. You were so mad and angry so you said the same to him.

Then, your lover came back to you. Asking you to go back to him. Saying that he had learned his lesson. That he was sorry to let you go. That you were the best for him, and he didn't know how to appreciate you. He really wants you to be with him. At first, ya, you were hesitated. But you realized, that your heart still belongs to him. You are trying to accept him, when suddenly he said that "He just wanna be friends, for the time being."

You did agreed. Because you didn't know what's the best for you. You want to run away from him, yet you can't. You were screwed. Then you took risks, asked the boy who makes you happy, what was his feelings towards you. He didn't answered. So you keep telling yourself, that the boy don't have feelings for you. He did treat you as a friend. He did.

YES.

I did go back, I did wished that for a good beginning, a good turn-on. I did give my chance to my first love though every single person on earth who knows about us forbidding it. It's just I can't find the rational to stay where I am right now. We keep arguing about little things. He keeps misunderstanding me, all the time. And I was very tired to see us fighting everyday.

Kemuncaknya semalam where he finally told me ;

"Awak ada masalah. So tu hal awak. Saya tak bebankan awak dengan masalah saya pun. Apa yang buat awak tak puas hati sangat? Kita kawan je la. Nak rumitkan hal kenapa?"

Ya. Kita kawan. 

I'm tired of getting the same phrases over and over again. 

YA, kita kawan. Saya sedar. But any how who was the one yang marah bila saya kata "Saya kena anggap awak kawan saya mulai sekarang."

This is not a big issue. 

Saya tak nak perkara ni menyerabutkan saya. And pada saya hal ni kecik. Saya percaya dengan jodoh, and saya nak serahkan everything to Allah. Tak kira lah dengan siapa pun. Dengan first love ke, dengan that sweet boy ke, or dengan orang lain. But this thing keep playing on my mind. And I hate myself when it happens. I just want space yang boleh buat saya berfikir secara rasional. And I decided to try to run away, no, walk away from both of them. Sebab saya hanya KAWAN mereka. Keep repeating it again and again.

Sampai saya naik muak dan tawar hati dengan cinta perasaan ni. Saya dah tawar hati nak teruskan dengan siapa-siapa sebab hati saya dah kosong.

P/S : I'm proud to tell you that I have been single for 6 months already. OK, itu satu pencapaian yang membanggakan.