Hah, okeh, sekarang saya mahu betulkan fakta, bila saya balik kat Kuantan, semua jadi terang dan nyata. Saya dah tak minat kat sape-sape. Saya call Mr. C, Mr. C tak angkat sampai sudah. Kali ni saya dah tak terasa dah. Sebab saya anggap dia macam kawan.

Kawan saya kata dia macam saja je nak buat saya gila kat dia. Okeh, that's not my intention. Saya baik dengan da, and I guess selama ni saya tak nak hilang dia sebagai kawan. Ahh, sawan gini. What if dia fikir saya call dia banyak-banyak tu sebab saya minat kat dia? Uhh..

Say goodbye.

3, tak 4 kali saya call. And you didn't pick up. Ye. Apa kata saya buat bodoh je. Sebab saya anggap awak kawan baik saya. And masa saya perlukan orang sangat-sangat, you weren't there.

P/s : Buhbye, awak.

You...

Sometimes rasa macam I rather face with frustrations than to be hanging. Owh, it hurts. Tapi tak pe lah. Tuhan akan bagi kita menda yang kita perlukan, bukan benda yang kita nak, bila tiba masanya. Saya tak kisah pun sebenarnya. Walaupun kecewa tu tetap ada. I don't want to jump into conclusions too soon. I need to hear from his own mouth. Walaupun saya rasa macam dah tahu. But then, it's better to let this be. Ow, man, walaupun saya layan dia macam kawan, I do miss him a lot.

Tapi nasib baik ini yang jadi. Nasib baik ini yang berlaku. At least, we don't have anything between us. I mean, never any special ties between us. Kalau tak lagi parah kot. Aah. Mesti orang lain kata senangnya saya nak minat kat orang kan? Tak la. Sapa kata. I took 3years plus plus nak minat kat orang tau.
Hahah. Saya memang cheeky sikit. Sikit je..

Mmm... Tapi still kan, saya wondering je. Kenapa dia tak pick up phone. Kenapa dia tak balas mesej saya. Kenapa dia tak text saya. Ye lah, we agreed upon each other. Kitorang kawan je. Saya bukan awek dia, kitorang tak couple. So, saya call dia macam kawan call la. Saya nak kitorang jadi macam dulu. No heart feelings. Because I do think he's a good friend. Did I do something really wrong? We agreed to be best friends.

I never demand any thing than that. I mean, saya tak mintak dia beritahu apa yang jadi dalam hidup dia setiap hari. That explains why saya tak cari dia setiap hari. Saya cuma contact dia lebih kurang 4 5 hari sekali. You see, saya tak nak kitorang terpesong dari seorang landasan seorang kawan. I don't want to lose a friend for a stupid feeling.

Then, this is what happened. Suddenly dia hilang macam tu je. And I was like... It's all blurred. Mmm..

Awak, as a friend, saya tak nak hilang awak. I think you are a good friend. Tapi kalau itu yang awak nak, then it's ok. I'll deal with it. Thank you very much.

I won't tolerate any vulgar words, but....

You just can feel the bad aura surrounds you. And it becomes worst. And I begin to think that it is my fault.

YES. Unfortunately it IS my fault.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. C, for what ever reason, you ARE my friend. And I hope you still my friend. Because I don't have that feelings anymore.

So, if you feel uneasy with me, this is the best way. Don't worry, I don't know you anymore.

This is an Eff-ing DISASTER. Bullshit.

Bila Kei cakap Melayu...

Tempat dikesan : Bilik M212
Peristiwa : Kelas Hubungan Etnik (Ethnic Relations CTU 553)

Dia memang bonda. Nonok yang suka bernoya. Motif I nak tulis pasal dia? Sebab intonasinya bila berbicara dalam bahasa Melayu. Ah, Kei.

"Mari kita lihat kesan-kesan efek bla bla bla...." Kesan-kesan efek?

"Jika kita buka 10% tempat pada orang bukan bumiputera, ini amatlah mengancam takhta baginda YDPA sebagai canselor UiTM kerana...."

"Orang-orang Melayu dan bumiputera juga tidak akan direspek (dengan konfidennya)" "DIHORMATI!!!" kata rakan-rakanku sekalian. "Ah, ye, dihormati"

"Sepertimana yang telah kita tahu, ini menggalakkan ape tuh... ala... Anasir-anasir yang tidak elok (yang sebenarnya merujuk kepada spreading rumours) ye uols. Eh, kamu-kamu semua."

Ok, no wonder Kei macam cuak dengan presentation CTU. Apa-apa pun Kei, two thumbs up!

By the way, semalam pergi have fun dengan Ikah and Teha. Yes, it was fun. And cool. Tapi ku keciwa. Duit suda tarak. Dengan sapa mau pau. Dengan saya punya amma sudah malu nak mintak juga uang. Mahu pinjam ceti. Ceti, mana kamu?

Huh, abaikan. Duit, duit, duit. Duit bukan segalanya. Kita bukan hamba duit. Kan kan kan? =)

Back to the story, actually, saya tak reti pakai make-up. Dan tidak suka pakai make-up. Sebab bila saya pakai saya rasa macam ada segantang beras ditepek di muka. Yuckks. Ala, tapi pakai jugak. Hahahaha. Eh, tak de la. Saya tak reti. Pernah saya pakai make up bila keluar dating dengan bekas pakwe saya.

"Sayang pakai make up ke, sayang?"

"Ha'ah, kenapa?"

"Abang rasa sayang tak payah pakai make up la. Sayang lagi sesuai tak pakai. Natural beauty."

Haha. Gedik tak, gedik tak? Ala, padahalnya maksud terselindungnya begini.

"Kalau dah tak cantik tu, pakai make up lagi la tak cantik. Uh, TIDAKKKK!!!"

Yelah, sebab aku tak reti pakai make up. Bedak bertompok. Gincu merah macam Marilyn Monroe. Ah, mendiang dah dia. Malu beb bekas pakwe saya tu keluar dengan saya agaknya. Terus tak bersuap-suap bila makan. (Hah, saya tipu. Saya budak baik. Saya tak makan bersuap sebab saya berdikari. Indie.)

Kita kona balik. Saya tepek bedak baby Johnson je bila keluar. Kalau rasa nak up sikit, saya pakai lip balm, sebab bibir saya terlampau kering. Bibir saya amat gelap, sebab tu saya tak pakai gincu. Kalau saya tidor lambat or menangis, saya pakai la eye liner esoknya, sebab mata saya ni kacukan cina. Macam saya kata, mata saya aset saya.

 

  

Nampak mata saya? Bayangkan kalau mata saya bengkak. Kuncup terus.

Untuk perhatian, anda takkan nampak bulu mata saya dalam realiti. Dalam gambar boleh la spot kan? Sebab tu la saya keluar. Saya kan baik. Sebab dah bosan nak bawak bedak baby Johnson dalam beg, saya decide beli two way foundation yang berbrand ZA. Nak beli kapas muka jua. Then masuk Guardian. Spotted.

Cong ceng cong ceng, saya bertanya kepada penasihat guardian tu. Mana yang sesuai dengan muka. Cakap cakap cakap cakap dan cakap lagi. Tiba-tiba diorang berdua tu hilang. Uh. Pusing balik. 

Sila teka apa yang dua orang perempuan akan buat bila masuk Guardian.

Tekalah, tekalah.

Mereka berdua tengah make up guna tester. Yeah.

Tepat sekali! 

Teha tengah apply lip gloss kat bibir. Mengancam. Jealous, sebab bibir saya gelap. Dia cuba yang warna pink punya. Yuyuyu.. Orang putih memang nampak lawa. Haih. Tapi seperti biasa, saya tak tertarik untuk mencuba dan membeli. Sebab kalau saya pakai, sebijik nampak saya ni babun pakai gincu.

 Monyet ni tak pakai gincu la tapinya. (Ehsan Google)

Tiba-tiba teringat Kak Intan cerita pasal maskara. Haaaa... Ni yang best ni. Orang kata hidup ni kena cuba benda baru. Oh, ni alasan nak menghabiskan duit ye kawan-kawan. Jadi saya tanya Teha pasal maskara. 

"Eh, saya punya bulu mata ni tak nampak la. Agak-agak ada tak maskara yang boleh tanggal bila kena air? Kalau nak sembahyang senang sikit."

Dan sasarannya, tester! 

Teha : Yang ni macam Dya pakai.

Saya : Ok ke?

Teha : Macam Dya pakai tu lah.

Saya : (Angguk-angguk sambil membayangkan Dya. Ye, mata Dya nampak bulat dan besar gila.)

Baik, baik, guess berapa lama kitorang try satu persatu tester yang ada kat situ and cari maskara and buat pilihan? Haha. Boleh kata sampai ada seorang promoter yang langsung tak friendly bila nak tanya dia boleh mundar-mandir banyak kali depan kitorang kat tempat yang sempit tu. Nasib baik saya jahat. (Orang baik tak mengaku dia baik kan?) Saya buat-buat tanya supaya dia bosan ada kat situ. Yeay yeay. Dah, dah, cepat pergi...! Jahat kan...? =)

 

Ye. Akhirnya ini yang saya beli setelah nak dekat sejam memilih. (Ehsan Google)

Let's hope my face is not gonna be worst after all of these craziness. Puh.

Then, masa tunggu bus and dalam bus, we talked a lot about first impression, about what each think about each of us. So, that actually was fun! Maybe we can hang out together again kan? 

 

And to be honest, keluar dengan Teha buat saya sedar, saya perlu keluar dengan orang yang macam dia. I'm really glad God gave ways for me to actually mingle with her. Saya amat gembira keluar dengan kawan yang memberi manfaat, yang mengajak saya ke arah kebaikan. Saya amat gembira keluar dengan orang yang boleh mengubah diri dan persepsi saya dalam hidup. She did something, yes, even sampai sekarang saya masih memikir dan terfikirkannya. Thank you Allah.

No wonder my pak cik likes her. Hahah!

Huhu. Sedih, sedih. Hari Sabtu ni diorang semua nak pergi Kedah, Pak Cu bertunang, but I can't come along. Pity me. Tapi tak pelah. Tuhan lebih tahu apa yang terbaik. =)

P/S : What ever happened, Mr. C, believe me, I still miss you. Oh God, kenapalah Mr. C tiba-tiba muncul dalam hidupkuh ni. Dugaan betul. Wuu... ='( Hah, Tirah gedik!

Tingling.

He's my first love and I'm glad I've realized that he's not the one. I opened my Tagged account and he's among the six who's popped up to be online. He's still the same, I believe. Flirting with girls, that makes him, him. But I'm not upset, just like I'm used to. Deep in my heart, I want him to be happy, I want him to be blessed. And I realized, I've forgiven him for treating me the way he treated me before. It's not easy for me to write this. This post is somehow a little bit 'touching' for me. He's the one who said that he doesn't want me anymore. He asked me to leave him, not to find him anymore. He's the one who said...

I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE. Saya dah ada PENGGANTI awak.

Yes, it hurts me. Because he was the one who asked me to come back to him. He was the one who asked me to love him back like before. He was the one who want me to be the queen of his heart again.

But I don't know if it still hurt me now. I guess my feelings towards him just disappeared right after he told me that. That he doesn't need me anymore. Is that really love? I mean, is that what we called love? We had been together for 3 years. And the moment he actually told me, LOUD AND CLEAR, that he doesn't want me anymore, I left him without feeling sad or upset at all. And now I'm asking  myself. What have I experienced before this? Is it love?

I thought he was my first love. But the thing is, I don't feel that it was like that anymore. I wonder what is love. I wonder what it feels to be in love. I wonder what it feels to love somebody. Suddenly it flew away, leaving my heart with emptiness of love and being loved by others. Was love like being tortured everyday? Was it like... making us smile every time we think of him? Was it like....?

I don't know. I just don't know. That's why I decided to comment on one of his photo.

"You look smart in this pic, kawan."

And I realized, the sparks is not there.

I DON'T LOVE HIM. I was blinded by my feelings. And maybe you too, Mr. C. I just hate the fact that you don't really need me, but I think that's the best. I guess I better be go. I guess I just have to let my feelings leave my soul. It kinda confusing me, Mr. C. But I know the best answer for this.

WHAT YOU FEEL AND WHAT I FEEL IS NOT LOVE. RIGHT? So, that's it, Mr. C. I miss you. I really do. But let's end it here, now, shall we?

*sigh*

P/S : It's never to late to pull out. I'm giving myself chance not to love people. What I feel and what I want is two different things. But I'm not going to let myself to involve in relationshipsfeelings anymore. Done.

Tanda tanya.

Yes, you!

Aku pilih derita.