Apa cinta?

Seorang hamba Allah ni kata dia minat saya masa saya sekolah dulu sebab badan saya fit. Dia suka tengok badan fit. Biarlah orang kata saya tak lawa pun.

Semalam ada kenalan kata saya cantik sebab tengok gambar saya kat facebook sedangkan dia tak pernah jumpa saya lagi. Dia tak tahu ke sekarang zaman teknologi? Boleh potong kerat maa. Dan sebab cantik (kononnya) nak jadi bf. Kenal pun apa tak lagi. Kalau kenal tu lain cerita la. =P

Saya bungkus nasi semalam. Balik-balik rumah, bukak bungkusan, atas nasi ada paper. NO TELEFON somebody.

Hmm... I wonder la kan.

Adakah cinta akan semurah dan sesenang itu?

P/S : Yang tengah-tengah tu macam ada can je. Sebab badan dia best, and dia good-looking, sebab dia kadet. Hah, kau! Cakap orang! Hahahaha.

Awak, Did I lose my love to someone better?

Hanya Ini yang Mampu Saya Ucapkan. Sungguh.

Unpleasant sight of something.

Terima kasih sahabat. Kerana menyedarkan saya betapa murahnya erti persahabatan yang saya hulurkan selama ni.

Saya mengerti. Terima kasih, sahabat. Thing ini bukan human being. Thing ini alien agaknya.

Saya takkan marah. Saya takkan kata apa-apa. Kerana saya tahu, Allah tahu.

Maaf, dan terima kasih, sahabat.

Biarlah Allah tahu. Hanya Allah tahu. Kerana anda tidak perlu penjelasan dari saya. Kerana anda lebih tahu diri saya.

Terima kasih kerana menganggap saya sebagai teman.

P/S : It is not that I don't need you for anything. But I don't need anything from you. Because "sahabat" never wanted anything from her friends. I don't really need "things" from a friend.

Terima kasih.

Maaf Babe, Aku Terasa...

And here I am, once again, I'm torn into pieces. Yes, buddies. I'm torn because of you. Did you know how my heart hurts when you said like that? As if I'm not your friends, as if I'm not concern about you at all. And tell me what, did you really concern about me all this while? Did you really, really, really think that I am one of your friends? Did you actually accept me as your friend? Ask yourself.

I got call from **** said that class was not being cancelled, at 10.15 a.m! And guess what, I did not take my bath yet at that time! I was not prepared with my presentation AT ALL, I did not finish it AT ALL. But then, I have to rush to the faculty without preparing myself with any slide. ANY SLIDE AT ALL.

I was rushing at that time. I'm panicked, yes, and I arrived at 10.45 a.m at the faculty. I entered the classroom with Mr. Black in front of the class, waiting for the students to come. I opened my laptop as soon as I sat at the chair, finishing my simplest slide with Mr. Black who is in front of me. And guess what, I asked about you! I asked **** and **** about you, I asked whether you know about the class that is not being cancelled. And **** nodded his head. So, I guess you did not want to attend the class because you want to finish your assignments. That's fine with me, because I have things to do, but yet, I still remember about you!

And after the class had finished, I met you. I called you twice, but you ignored my call. Okeh. But then, I am really-really-really upset. Both of you were mad at us. Sampai keluar kata-kata macam ni :

"Macam nilah kawan kan."

Okeyh. You blamed me. For not telling you anything. And I apologized. Deeply in my heart, I apologized to you because I am being ignorant. I'm not a good friend. I'm sorry.

But it's an irony kan, when a long time ago, when there was a replacement class one day, and we both did not know anything about it, but did any one of you tried to call us and tell us about it? Did we blamed you for that? We did not know anything, and I realized that it was my fault of being ignorant, because I did not asked about that thing, but did we blamed you? Did we mad at you?

How irony when your housemate did not tell you anything, yet you mad at me, you blamed me, 100%.

I am upset with you. Because I thought we were friends. And friends did not accusing. They respect each other, they listened to each other. So, if I am not your friend, up to you. I am tired of giving myself to please everyone in my life. So, I should give up upon you. I'm sorry for being not a good friend.

Yours Truly.

P/S : I'll take everything, my friend.

Sape2 je lah.

Ye, saya tahu, saya amat sunyi. Saya tahu saya tengah bersedih. Saya tahu saya tengah jealous dengan kawan-kawan saya sebab ada boipren bak kata ibu saya.

Tapi kan, tak perlu lah nak distribute no saya, or pakat-pakat nak kacau saya tengok saya layan korang ke tak, kan.

Sebab saya bukan DESPERATE sangat lagi.

Dugaan.

Saya sudah lama mahu menulis. Tak kira lah apa-apa pun. Tapi saya mahu menulis. Saya mahu menulis cerita saya dan awak.












TAPI SAYA TAHU SAYA TAK ADA BAKAT MENULIS. TAK ADA SIAPA BACA CERITA SAYA. SAYA TAK RETI MENULIS.

Jadi saya mahu berhenti menulis. Yeay!

Serius, Aku Bengang.

Baran aku dah datang. Tapi please baca dengan muka yang tersenyum.

Ok, I need to do this.

Peeps, I'm tired of this, really. I'm tired of thinking what's wrong with me, until it really affects your life. I'm tired of being misunderstood, you know, it's exhausting. Really.

I must be the most complicated person in the world, and to be honest, till this moment, maybe I myself can't understand who am I, the real me. My mom once have said that she doesn't know what's wrong with me. I am the most complicated, the most Miss-Hard-to-Understand in my family. Not everyone can understand me, be it on the surface, or deep in my heart. I am the most problematic child in my family. I have to admit. It broke my heart when my mother said that. But then, I never blamed her for stating the truth. Truth hurts us, right?

But it's sickening to have people said like this.
"Athirah, sorry, saya tak tahu awak macam ni, macam ni, macam ni bla bla bla sebenarnya, saya ingat awak macam ni, orang cakap awak ni macam ni macam ni, tapi tak" after two three four, five, six years you know me?

Please la, please, what bothers you, actually? Because I'm not like you, because I'm not as fun as you, because I'm not easily liked by people, etc, etc. I'm not adorable, and I'm sorry for myself because of that, but then, does it bothers you too much?

Yes, you can't understand me, it's hard to understand me, but does it gives you rights to judge me, ridicule me, and talk behind my back because you don't know me? Yeah, you can ridicule me as much as you want, you can talk about me behind my back, and you know what, I think it does not affect me much. Because what ever happen, I am me, I'm the one who are responsible towards my actions. Not you kan?

I'm not being arrogant this time, and this is not what you call cowardice. Because if you think that's so, talk to your hand, okeyh? Because it does reflect your. I'm tired, too tired to hear from everybody else that you are talking about me with other people, and I just smile and smile and smile sampai rasa dah penat sangat nak senyum. You are annoyed with me, fine, I just can shut my mouth and you can pretend that I'm not there, but please, please, and please, I'm begging you, not to affect people around me. I don't want to be blamed by others just because they are my friends, and you think that they are same like me.

Does it really bothers you when I am happily hyperactive, and does it really annoys you when I don't talk to you just because I don't have mood, or what-so-ever? Pelik betul. Aku buat macam ni salah, buat macam tu salah. Dah, apa yang betulnye? Come on, I AM a human being, although I am being ALIENATED or I make myself an ALIEN, apa-apa je lah, does it really affects you somewhere? Pardon me if you do, because your mood does not affect me. And if it affects me pun, I won't blamed you for making my usual daily life a bad day.

I'm sorry, because I rarely talk behind your back, making a big deal out of nothing with what you do, but not to say that I don't. I just don't want to. Aku terasa, aku annoyed, aku marah, aku sedih, aku frustrated, heyt, it's all in my heart. I'm not like you, you can just blurt out what do you want to say.

Ingat aku tak sedih bila orang tak suka aku? Ingat aku tak sedih ke bila orang kata aku lone ranger? Bila seorang lecturer kata, "You are such a lone ranger, Athirah", ingat aku tak terasa? Ingat hati aku hati batu ke apa? But then, if it's my fault, why don't you all say it out loud, IN FRONT OF ME, instead of talking behind my back and laughing at my mistakes? But what did you do? Hah, main pulau-pulau, and biar semua orang salah anggap pada aku. Tak pe, aku terima.

If I didn't say anything, it's not because you did not do something wrong, it's not because I don't care, it's because you are my friends, and I see it's no use besarkan menda kecik and hurts my friends' feelings. See? Aku anggap kau kawan, selamanya aku anggap kau kawan aku. Even though kau buat taik, even though kau mengumpat pasal aku kat belakang, even though you think that I'm such a burden pun, KAU STILL KAWAN AKU.  And for your info, walaupun aku tak boleh paham kau, aku terima kau sebab kau kawan aku. Kau buat la macam mana pun, kau still tetap kawan aku.

Tapi kau, kau, kau, kau, kau dan berapa banyak kau boleh ke terima aku seadanya? Kau rasa kau dah cukup kenal aku ke? Kau rasa kau betul-betul perfect ke? Just because you are accepted by everybody else, doesn't mean that you are not wrong. But still, people accept you for who you are.

Sorry kalau aku buat salah. Aku manusia, aku tak sempurna. Tak kisah la kalau kau ada masalah dengan aku ke, aku boleh tahan. Aku boleh sabar. Tak kisah kalau aku dengar kau mengumpat aku ke, mengutuk kat belakang aku ke, aku boleh terima. Aku boleh sabar. So, kau jeles ke bila aku boleh sabar, bila aku boleh simpan apa yang aku tak puas hati pada kau dalam hati sampai kau nak cabar aku luahkan semua yang aku rasa depan-depan mata kau?

Aku tak pernah kata aku betul. And aku tak pernah halang kau untuk betulkan aku, sebab apa, sebab tu la gunanya kawan. Tapi kau buka aib aku, mengutuk aku belakang-belakang, tu selesaikan masalah ke?

Baik, lepas ni aku just remain silent, stay silent, tak bercampur dengan kau if that's the best thing I can do. I don't want to annoy people around me. Aku kan lone ranger selama ni.

Dah. Kau nak cakap lagi, cakap, cakap, cakap sampai puas. Sebab aku nak ucapkan terima kasih. Sebab apa? Kau pikir sendiri la.

P/S : Nak cabar aku lagi? Teruskan.

Hah, Siapa-siapa yang tak berkaitan ni jangan pulak terasa. Aku tak nak pisang berbuah dua kali. Karang orang lain yang terasa, kantoi pulak la kan, dia cakap kat belakang aku. Macam dulu-dulu. Tetiba pulak semua terasa. Kelakar gila. Zack, terima kasih kerana mengantoikan satu kelas dulu. Tabik kepada anda.

A Walk to Remember...

HULLO!


Tadi borak-borak dengan Nazir rasa rindu pulak pada zaman kanak-kanak a.k.a zaman budak-budak or zaman yang saya panggil zaman kebodohan. Hah, serius dulu rasa macam bodoh. I mean, tak de la berasa diri ni cerdik sekarang, tapi dulu kan saya suka buat kerja-kerja bodoh dalam hidup and tak fikir langsung. Pakai bantai je menda saya nak buat. Main katak, gelak kuat-kuat, galak-galak. Tu dah biasa. Eh, tak galak. Saya kecoh gila nak mati kan?


Dulu saya rasa hidup saya amat stress and tension. Ala, kononnya la kan. Tapi sekarang benda yang buat saya stress tu rasa macam kuman pulak. And agaknya, masa kerja nanti, mesti rasa stress masa belajar ni besar kuman je kan? Hah, back to my topic, I miss my school time lar. Unavoidable rasenye even I consider myself as very problematic student and friend. Hey, I think I'm not cool at all. Rasa macam kelakar gila. Haih. I'm not the popular one masa sekolah dulu so, in order nak popular la konon-kononnya, I mingle around and mix with those pops. But then, jiwa kacau. Memberontak la kan. Hehe. 


Amat best bila kawan dengan dengan mereka-mereka ni. Saya mengaku la kan, saya ramai kawan lelaki sebenarnya masa sekolah dulu daripada perempuan. Mesti pikir saya ni tak reti bersosial kan? Huhu. Tu masa menengah rendah. Tak tahu lah kenapa, mungkin sebab ramai budak-budak perempuan anti dengan saya kot.  Yela, yela, saya tahu saya ni pelik dari sekolah lagi. Tak ramai nak kawan dengan saya kot? Hoh, terpaksa admit do.


Since I borak-borak dengan Nazir tadi, the first thing that come into my mind is his smile! Believe me, his smile gila sweet sampai boleh buat orang tak tidur malam. Ala, sebab dia ade tahi lalat tepi bibir die. Shemart woh! Hahaha. Dia single lagi, tapi I think dia tak available dah. Available lagi ke, Nazir? =P 


Saya nak recall balik geng-geng saya dulu. Selain Nazir, ada lagi 10 orang kalau tak silap. Those yang saya anggap dalam geng saya la kan. I mean geng lepak petang-petang. Yang tak disenaraikan jangan pulak terasa yek sayang-sayang? This is random list.


Nazir
Shamir Hailmie
Hilmi
Adam
Mokhzani
Naqiu
Jimmy
Amir Akmal
Farez
Zainal
Firdaus Zulkarnain
Hadi
Akmal
Bun
Zulhelmi
Irwan dengan Izwan pun!


Budak perempuan pulak, Amirah Shuhada, Aswa, Mas, and of course ar saya. Hehehe.


Eh, ni da lebih sepuluh orang ni? hehe. Okeh, okeh, ada pertambahan keluar masuk. Tapi yang selalu main basket ball petang-petang dengan kitorang ada 4 orang. Nazir, Adam, Mokhzani dengan Naqiu. Yang paling rapat dengan saya antara budak-budak laki ni? Haih, yang tu tak de diskriminasi. 


Eh, sedar tak sedar, lebih kurang nak dekat 6 tahun jugak kita kenal kan? Saya teringat lagi macam mana kita lepak dekat taman petang-petang. Kita lepak kat court belakang sekolah main basket. Sebab Aswa, saya ingat macam mana Mokh, Naqiu, Adam dengan Nazir ajar kitorang main basket. Buat 3 pointer. Ajar rules basket. Saya ingat macam mana Adam and the geng buat study group petang-petang kat kelas. Duduk kat kantin buat havoc. Masa tu kita semua kecik-kecik je. Form 1. That's how we look towards those who in Form 1 now. Kecik kan?


Saya still ingat how budak-budak ni menganjing sesama sendiri. Saya ingat macam mana sesi mengorat-ngorat. Saya ingat macam mana saya kenal Adam yang mula-mula nak ngorat Mas, tapi end up dengan Aswa. Saya ingat macam mana ada sindrom-sindrom tukar-tukar pasangan. Izwan suka kat Shuhada. Irwan suka kat Aswa. Mokh pun pernah ada crush jugak dengan Mas. Haih. Tapi yang paling saya ingat main lompat-lompat perasaan ni la. Hadi. Mula-mula nak mengorat Aswa, pastu Mas, pastu Shuhada pulak. Haih.


Saya ingat macam mana buat double date. Makan suap-suap. Hahaha. Ni sapa punya keje ni? Saya ingat macam mana Jimmy buat lawak tak boleh blah dia. Saya ingat loyar buruk Adam. Saya ingat idea putar belit Mokh dengan muka innocent tu. Serius 1 hari dengan diorang ni boleh buat tension hilang. Happy selalu. Saya ingat macam mana saya kongsi rahsia, kongsi rasa sedih saya dengan Amir Akmal. Pasal orang yang betul-betul saya minat gila-gila masa tu. Ingat tak Amir? And I'm glad yang he can be trusted. Still sampai sekarang ke dia simpan rahsia tu ek? 


I still remember saya hilangkan bola basket kepunyaan Naqiu. Sorry Naqiu! Isk3. Termasuk dalam lubang tu kegelapan tuh. Huhu. Sorry gila-gila. Saya ingat macam mana Zainal yang lagi rendah dari saya jadi melonjong tingginya. Zainal malu-malu kan setiap kali cakap dengan saya? Saya ingat macam mana suara dan deras suara Firdaus melontar kata-kata. Kadang-kadang perit nak dengar. Saya ingat Bun yang takkan pandang saya kalau dia nak cakap and senyum je sepanjang masa. Kadang-kadang saya tegur pun, main angguk-angguk geleng-geleng. Saya ingat macam mana saya amat takut dengan Farez. Sebab tu saya jarang gila tegur dia. XP Tapi dia ok je, kan?


Saya ingat macam mana saya mula tahu pasal perasaan, pasal couple2 ni. Saya ingat macam mana ada 2 orang hamba Allah ni telefon saya kat rumah untuk tolong mintakkan couple untuk kawan dia ni. Saya ingat macam mana saya baling buku pada seorang hamba Allah ni tengah-tengah crowd sebab dia buat saya geram gila-gila.  Owh, I have to admit, saya panas baran kan? I mean, dulu la. Saya still ingat crush2 saya. XP 
I told you, saya setia la. Saya pernah tunggu budak yang saya minat tu 2 tahun jugak taw?


Saya ingat macam mana saya orang yang last tahu pasal Hilmi and Shamir gaduh. Oh, dulu it hurts like hell. Tapi tak de sapa pun bagitahu what happened exactly time tu kan? Till now, I still can't decode la babe. Can somebody actually explain to me what happened? 


Saya ingat macam mana mak saya jumpa surat dari pakwe pertama saya ni (dia sendiri tahu diri dia sape okeh?) and tanya sapa dia tu. Ey, my mom read that from A to Z taw? 


Pasal kawan-kawan perempuan saya, I think better di slot yang lain la kot saya recall balik apa jadi. 


Errmm. Can I be honest? Saya tak ingat apa-apa pasal Zulakmal, seriously. Sebab kitorang boleh kata tak pernah bercakap langsung sebenarnya masa zaman sekolah kecuali ada certain-certain masa yang tak patut diberitahu. Tapi ingat la dia ada dalam geng ni. Cuma tak selalu kan dia lepak dengan kita kan? Anyway, sebenarnya tak pernah tahu pun dia macam rapat dengan other boys, sebab Akmal ni tak lepak kat sekolah. Lagi-lagi tak pernah bercakap. Hey, we're just friend, ok? Gila lama la gosip tu. 


I miss my bro, Zulhelmi. Isk Isk. Tapi tu la. Bila dah besar, I doubt diorang ingat semua yang berlaku ni. Masing-masing pindah, kejar impian masing-masing. Masing-masing dah bina hidup sendiri. Dah pindah. Zulhelmi kat Kedah. Amir Akmal kat Melaka. Jimmy kat Terengganu. Tu belum lagi masuk bab belajar. Rindu... Isk3. And yang paling best, masing-masing dah ada pasangan masing-masing. Tak de sapa pun yang kekal dengan pasangan masing-masing. But still, kita semua kawan baik. And selamanya kawan baik. 


I really miss and love you guys!


P/S : 

I Remember

Artist: Mocca

I remember...The way you glanced at me, yes I remember
I remember...When we caught a shooting star, yes I remember
I remember.. All the things that we shared, and the promise we made, just you and I
I remember.. All the laughter we shared, all the wishes we made, upon the roof at dawn

Do you remember..?
When we were dancing in the rain in that december
And I remember..When my father thought you were a burglar
I remember.. All the things that we shared, and the promise we made, just you and I
I remember.. All the laughter we shared, all the wishes we made, upon the roof at dawn

I remember.. The way you read your books,
yes I remember
The way you tied your shoes,
yes I remember
The cake you loved the most,
yes I remember
The way you drank you coffee,
I remember
The way you glanced at me, yes I remember
When we caught a shooting star,
yes I remember
When we were dancing in the rain in that december
And the way you smile at me,
yes I remember