hell...?no..

did i tell you even a single bit that i am very dissapointed and devastated at this period of time? yup, i am very devastated but Lord give me that little courage to endure what is meant by "frustation". you will know when it's time for us to walk away from something we love, we want it and we want it so much until it pained us to bleed to see it eventually became somebody else's.

but hell? no. i was quite relieved to let him go by myself. as it were as "biarlah dia bahagia dengan orang lain asalkan dia tak de atas dunia ni je." some people may regard what i had done as sacrifices or proof that i am deeply in love him, but once again, hell, no. it is the symbol of freedom and pride.

it is also the symbol of betrayal.

i let myself free from more sets of "heartache". i prided myself to dump someone who will ever learn to appreciate me at all. and i betrayed myself at the very peak of my heart for letting him go.

it is hard, i swear to God, when we have to let go someone we loved very much. learning that we are now in our own path, i woke up every morning with tears in my eyes. i woke up to hope that all that have happened is only a dream and i will wake up soon. i want to tell him what i've eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper. i waited for the time when he actually ask for forgiveness from me. only God knows how much i want to go back to the past when i might save our relationship. but then again, what will it lead me anyway?

i am so strong, i can live my life in tears and smiles. and grins. and laughs. i will not suffered any longer. bcoz deep down, i know i have faith to God and He will lead me to a better life than griefing this way. i just lost love for someone that is not my husband, and it is not the end of my life. may he be happy all the way, and may Allah lend me little strength to me to be His faithful servant.

wanna go for facial treatment with my mom. i will keep this pain deep down my heart. cry silently in the night, yes, but to think this is the end of the world, hell, no!

taa for now..

oh oh...ari ahad lalu!

hari ahad lalu saya dan rakan rakan saya pergi menjelajah ke midvalley. alangkah seronok itu hari. hahaha. saya berjumpa dengan raifana, kawan lama saya. saya amat enjoy. haha.

rindu gila sama itu kawan lama saya. lain kali kami akan berjumpa lagi. tapi bukan minggu depan dan minggu satu lagi. kerana dia mahu pergi balik kampung dan pergi dating sama itu pakwe dia. haha...

saya keluar pukul 9 dan balik pukul 10. saya balik pak cik syakirin saya hantar okay. saya budak baik. saya baritahu ibu saya bahawa saya mahu keluar. kami keluar naik tren dan saya mabuk tren. sampai dekat kl sentral, saya muntah dalam tandas. aaaaahhhhhhh...tidak...

kawan saya iaitu anis pergi dating bersama2 dengan pakwe dia la. dengan siapa lagi. saya merasa amat jeles jadi saya just pandang je la. sebab saya budak baik. hahaha...

dan pada hari esoknya saya telah jatuh sakit. saya telah dilanda tekanan darah rendah yang menyebabkan saya ditahan wad di pusat kesihatan uitm shah alam. tekak saya sakit, rupanya tonsil saya telah bengkak. dan saya telah bertaubat nak pergi kl tanpa membawa air masak atau 100plus. oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo............

Attracted with...

Semakin kuat kita mengejar dan mengawal, maka semakin jauh ia daripada kita, dan semakin terasalah kekecewaan yang dirasai, sebaliknya semakin banyak yang kita fokus dan lakukan pada diri kita, semakin bermakna hidup yang kita lalui...

sama macam mak aku cakap.

" Kalau nak sayang orang, kenalah sayang diri sendiri dulu."

Haite.

Super Love

SUpER jUNIOr

I'm loving them the more I know about them. Bukan secara individu, tetapi secara kumpulan. oh, I admit I love some people in this group exquisitely, but I prefer them in a group. they are enjoyable, adorable and more lively when they are in a group. You know, you can see almost everything in the circle of 13 person. different things on different person. that makes them very special.

oh, I love him too. " Nama saya RAIN". Hahah.

seriously, I'm started to involve with him recently. he's Cute! really cute! for me la...hehehe... TEPPEI KOIKE.

SEKIAN..HOHO...

Psychiatric Disorder

Dependent Personality You have a hard time breaking away from a relationship. You hate being alone and you feel that you must have a relationship. You have a hard tim making even the simplest of decisons and you will often subordinate your needs to keep your significant other with you. In otherwords, you are co-dependent even in a toxic relationship.

This Feelings...

Yang terindah
Terlukis di bibir mu
Tak pernah ku lihat senyum mu
Sebegitu
Pudar kah sudah cinta yang ku beri
Berwarna warni segala
Yang dijanjikan ia

Usah biarku bersendirian
Usah biar hati mu di tawan
Usah biar diri ku di sini
Seorang menunggu tanpa teman

Usah lepas genggaman tangan mu
Usah biar semua berlalu
Usah terlupa perasaan hati
Pertama kali kita bertemu
Usah lepaskan

Tak mudah ku melupa segala yang berlalu
Ku ingin selalu bersama mu

Usah biarku bersendirian
Usah biar hati mu di tawan
Usah biar diri ku di sini
Seorang menunggu tanpa teman

Ku tak peduli apa sebabnya
Engkau dan dia harus bersama
Mendungnya langit bila berkata
Kita patutnya masih bercinta
Usah lepaskan
Usah lepaskan

I love this song. That's all.

ouh, aku teringat, aku pernah sukakan nama Naqibah Nazmal untuk jadi nama pena aku. ermm.. I wonder kat mana abang Fadhil sekarang. i just wanna thank him for good memories masa Perkampungan Penulis Muda dulu. haha. aku pernah cakap aku nak guna nama pena ni kat dia. now, i don't know whether it will be accomplished or not.

Luqman Al - Hakim.

Rabiatul Insyirah.

Iskandal Zulkarnain.

I'm considering Rabiatul Adawiyah too.. but it still 50-50.

these name are for my children some day. okay tak?

err...

for my future husband, lau you all dah ada nama yang you all nak, you all mesti ambik all of this name first into your list. hahaha... selfish betul.

Emptiness...

*sigh.

you know sometimes i can feel the emptiness of my life. i can feel it become hollow from day to another day. i walk along the path of my life, and i'm not enjoying it. i try to convince myself to live my life to the fullest, i try to do things i loved some times ago, but i cannot feel the satisfaction of doing it anymore. sometimes, it became sooooo stupid and i turned to hate it.

i don't know when it started to happen. i try to satisfy every single person i knew, without thinking for myself. when people ask me something or ask me to actually do something for them, i just follow. although i'm not happy to do it, i feel obliged to help my friend. but after some time, i realised, it is not an obligation for me and i have rights to refuse from helping them. but it's too late. when i'm actually not helping them, i will stuck in guilt whenever i bumped into them.

loyalty is a problem for me. some people feel burdened if i'm "stuck" to them. i believe my dependence to them really smashed and wrecked our relationship. they feel i'm an immatured person because of that. sometimes i'm not enjoying their company, i feel like they are nothin to me, but they are my friends, don't they? so i make sure i will follow them, in every single moment, whether it is sweet or bitter.

i am no longer feel the state of happiness and satisfaction in my life. i don't know why, it seems that every single thing i've done or am doing it, will turn into ashes and man, i feel nothing. my life is a real nothing, and i don't know why is this happen. i really want a real company, but when it comes to appreciating it, i failed. in the middle of the crowd, i feel lonely, but when i'm stuck in my own world, i want to free myself from that burden.

my life is not enjoyable anymore. is that something i can do to free myself from this feeling?

i don't want to be matured if i cannot feel the taste of happiness and satisfaction any longer.

i'm no longer appreciating my life.

deep inside, i really wanna scream. HELP ME TO FREE MYSELF FROM ME!!!

you got what i mean? never mind.