Saya cuma nak bagitahu awak...

There's one time before where I can't aimed as high as possible in what ever I want to do because I have to think about my future with him. You know, I didn't realize until now, that it is such a burden for me to think about "our" future instead of "my" future. I became very serious in building our relationship, for our future together. I hesitated to aim for overseas because I was afraid that we will be too far away from each other, though I'm used to long-distance relationship. I asked him, will he wait for me if I further my study outside the country. He answered "Depends." That made me nervous. His answer made me did not want to aim for overseas studying because I did not want anything happened to our relationship. God knows how childish I was, naive, wasn't me?

However, this "goodbye" makes me realize all about me. I realize what I want to do. I know what I want. I know who I am. Yes, I used to be ambitious, but I didn't have high determination to begin with. I was afraid to lose what I have. I rather live in a safe zone. I didn't realize before that I was afraid to challenge myself. But that's not me. My mother taught me too much about life. Of course, she never pressured me to do something I don't want to. But I finally see what people hope to see in me. I really didn't realize before. All this while, I didn't learn how to "rock and roll". But this is how I want and going to live my life after this.

I know what I want to do now. I know what I want to achieve. I know now what I'm going to do. In the next five years, ten years. Though it DOES mean that I have to sacrifice what I used to love. What I want before. I just want to lead a very simple life before. It is different now.

I know I have the tendency to surprise myself.

I know I can do extraordinary things by myself.

I know I can achieve more that I can achieve right now.

That's what I promise to myself. This is the time for me to challenge myself. And please, though you think it's a crap, do support me to give my very best. Thank you in advance.

Someone asks me if I want to continue to live like this. To be honest, when other people can't live without someone they want, I wish and still live without one. It's almost 5 months since I became single! But I don't think I can love somebody now. I don't know if this heart can be heal or not. Yet I think my heart has already open to accept somebody though I'm not to be in serious relationship. It's better and safer to befriend with anyone, just likely, to be the same as other people. I like him, this one person, but let Allah do His work. If he's for me, I'll accept it with open arms. But if he's not the one, I'll wait until Allah send me one. =) I'll wait until that time. Patiently.

Saya tak mudah jatuh cinta. Believe me. Saya susah untuk sayangkan orang. Tapi bila hati dah sayang, susah untuk saya lupakan sayang tu. And sebab tu saya tak berani nak ambil risiko untuk jalinkan sebarang hubungan dengan sape-sape pun. Kesetiaan saya buat hubungan tu akan jadi tertekan. Kesetiaan saya yang jadi beban dalam hubungan tu.

Bukan senang. This time, it won't be easy. I'm sorry. Saya mengaku saya memilih, tapi ini untuk kebaikan saya jugak kan? Saya tak betul-betul tak nak hati saya hancur lagi. Sebab saya takkan lupa macam mana saya menangis, meraung, malam-malam sebab dihina, sebab dituduh, ditengking, hanya kerana saya sayangkan seseorang.

It won't be easy.

And this time, my mission is my priority. If you really love me, just wait for me. Just... wait.

Saya nak story cerita yang tak ramai orang tahu.

So, today, i'm gonna tell you about one of my school crush. Even though he's not the first, (believe me, I can like a boy in just a blink of an eye, Wahaha), but he plays a very significant role in my life up until now.

I don't know when the story really started exactly. I was a very naive, young little girl who didn't really think of any other things than enjoyable moments, sharing with my friends, being accepted by people. I didn't want to feel disconnected, and yes, I was very jealous with adorable, good-looking girls that popular among those guys. Biasa la, masa kecik-kecik, tak fikir apa. Tengok orang couple sana-sini, hati pun terasa nak ikut jugak apa orang lain buat.

Dulu, we had sort of definitions about suka, minat, sayang, and cinta. We made our own interpretations about each of the terms. I can "suka" many people, but "minat" is more towards seriously liking him. Means : nak couple dengan mamat tu la kan. But sayang, it's something that you will feel when you are really "engaged" with im somehow. Konon-konon bila kita dah lama couple tu, sayang pulak datang. Pastu cinta pulak. And bla-bla-bla.

So, I liked too many guys before. Asal cute sikit, suka. Asal baik ke, nakal sikit ke, memenuhi ciri-ciri yang diidamkan ke, suka lah. Tak kira la dia dah ada girlfriend ke belum. Tapi there's only 4 guys yang can be considered as those yang saya "minat" la kiranya. But I won't tell you about keempat-empat mamat ni. I just wanna tell you about my second crush.

One day, ada seorang mamat ni, datang kat saya, (masa tu saya di sekolah, baru lepas habis latihan kawad ke, olahraga, saya tak pasti) dia suruh saya teman dia, hantar dia balik rumah, sampai ke pinti pugar sekolah. Mula-mula saya pelik, sebab si lelaki ni tak pernah tegur saya. TAK PERNAH. Dengan kawan-kawan saya, dia tegur, tapi dengan saya, seingat saya, dia tak pernah bercakap langsung dengan saya.  Tapi sebab saya ni baik kan, saya teman la dia sampai ke pintu pagar tanpa sebarang syak wasangka. Alih-alih dia bawak saya pergi satu tempat, antara blok F dengan G.

Dengan selamba badaknya dia berkata;

"Boleh tak saya nak mengorat awak?"

Bukan ke pelik tu? Saya yang terkejut tak tahu nak cakap apa, tanya dia balik apa yang dia cakap. And dia pun cakap balik menda yang sama. Hati saya tak tahu nak cakap apa. Jantung saya berdegup kencang sangat. Tak pernah ada orang yang berani cakap depan-depan macam tu depan saya! Gila apa mamat ni? Saya pandang dia. Dia tanya saya balik, boleh tak. Muka dia? Haha. Saya ingat-ingat lupa. Tapi dalam keadaan duduk, dia tak berani pandang muka saya, and saya nampak muka cuak dia. Saya pun terus la balas;

"Awak nak mengorat kan? So tak payah la mintak kebenaran." Saya senyum, walaupun tulang dada saya ni rasa nak pecah kena hempas dengan jantung.

Tiba-tiba dia tanya;

"Macam mana kalau saya tak nak teruskan sebab ayah saya suruh saya belajar?" Aisehman lelaki itu. Dia tanya soalan yang saya tak tahu macam mana nak jawab. Saya balas je la, terpulang. Tapi dalam hati saya ni, "Ya Allah, sweetnya la budak ni." Hahaha.

Masa tu saya suka kat seorang budak lelaki ni. Saya panggil A la. Tapi bila lelaki itu (M) datang confess kat saya, saya jadi terminat dan tersuka pulak pada lelaki itu. Sebabnya? Sebab dia berani. Saya suka orang  berani macam tu. Haha. One day, dia datang, cakap dengan saya.

"Awak suka si 'A' ni ke?" Saya yang pagi-pagi panjat tingkat atas sekali kena tanya soalan macam tu terus blur. Sebenarnya saya dah perasan dah masa kat kelas dia, lelaki itu dan lelaki yang saya pernah suka tu macam tengah bersembang. Tapi saya buat derk je la kan. Haha. Saya pun jawabla, nanti saya bagitahu balik jawapannya. Err, dalam hati, kenapa la saya tak jawab terus time tu kan?

Lepas tu, saya tunggu jugak bila dia tanya saya balik. Tunggu punya tunggu, punya tunggu, dia tak jugak tanya-tanya. So, pada satu hari yang hening, (Cewah) masa rehat kalau tak silap, saya pun pergi la jumpa dia. Saya tanya dia;

Saya : Hari tu awak tanya saya kan, saya suka tak kat si dia tu?

M : Ha'ah.

Saya : Saya suka dia...

M : Tahu.

Saya : ... tapi sebagai kawan.

Kata saya dengan muka blur saya. Terkesima tak, terkesima tak? Hohoho.

Dia pun senyap and terus blah.

Yang kelakarnya, dia pernah cakap kat saya, jangan bagitahu sesiapapun pasal apa yang jadi antara kitorang kat tengah-tengah blok tu, tapi tiba-tiba esoknya, rumours spread. Kawan-kawan dia tahu. Tapi tak tahu dari mana. So, I assume he told his friends la kot.

Saya bercerita bukan sebab apa. Dia sudah mahu pindah. Walaupun kemungkinan untuk berjumpa tetap ada, saya cuma rindukan kenangan waktu dulu. Dulu saya semangat nak pergi sekolah sebab dia. Nak jumpa dia. Nak tengok dia senyum. Saya semangat nak pergi sekolah sebab nak tengok dia buat nakal dengan kawan-kawan dia. Saya sanggup ponteng kelas bila ada orang mintak tolong ronda satu sekolah, pergi cari orang la, pergi hantar gambar la, etc, etc, sebab nak lalu depan kelas dia. Masa PMR, kitorang semua satu dewan, bila saya penat and stress, tengah-tengah jawab soalan, saya mesti curi-curi pandang dia. Dia tak pernah tahu. Tapi saya seronok.

Sampai sekarang, saya still bersyukur. Sebab terus-terang, tak pernah terlintas dalam hati saya nak dapat olahragawati ke, peserta terbaik ke, what so ever la. But, dengan izin Allah, entah macam mana saya terpecah rekod lompat jauh masa tingkatan 3 dulu. Sebab dia ada. =) Sebab konon-konon nak impresskan dia la. Semangat nak dapat no 1. Haha. Kiranya, hampir dua tahun jugak la kot saya minat kat dia. Pandang dari jauh. Sampai lah saya dapat tahu dia minat kat orang lain. Bila dengar je cerita tu, saya buat keputusan untuk couple dengan orang lain. Adam. Adam tahu cerita tu.

Tapi seperti biasa, itu cerita lama. Cerita zaman budak-budak kecik. Sekarang masing-masing dah besar. And perasaan pun masing-masing dah berkubur. Dia dah minat kat orang lain, saya pun dah pilih orang lain. Tapi still, kenangan tu takkan lupus dari ingatan saya. Walaupun mungkin dah tak ada signifikannya.

Cewah. Padahalnya still boleh contact.

So, good luck in your future undertaking. These memories are valuable treasure for me. Thank for the memories. =)

Paramore!

Saya sudah jatuh cinta dengan Paramore. Gila-gila jatuh cinta. Akhirnya...

Stuck.

Baru perasan, lagu-lagu yang saya minat semua lebih kurang sama. Tak la sama. Cumanya orang kata, genre, eh, rentak yang lebih kurang sama. Woah.

Paramore, The Veronicas, Evanescence, etc, etc. Hee. Suka, suka. =P

Celebration!

Wah, tadi entry ke-100!

After such a long hiatus. =P

Imma bad girl. With killer eyes. Hahah. =P

There's been a lot, or too much things have been wandering in my mind lately.Too much. And if I could, I wanna write it all in my blog. This blog. But my mind doesn't really set in peace, too much motion in it, and I'm getting tired to please my mind. Hahah.

I must admit, I miss him. And maybe that makes me miserable. I must be freaking crazy because I'm missing the wrong person. He loves somebody else. Not me. Obviously not me. And it has been 4 months since he left me. I don't know why he did that to me. He gave me hopes, and now it is intolerable for me to bear. I see him everywhere I go. Don't ask me why. I don't know either. Maybe I had faced denial and rejection before this. And when I came back to reality, my heart hurts so much. Seeing him with that girl killed my soul. That girl loves him. I'm happy for both of them. I have to.

Suddenly I lose hope. I'm lost. It's like I can't accept the fate. You know, like you are losing yourself. Unbearable, I must say.

I know I have to find the real me. That's why I decided to accept, that I love him, still, I have to accept, that   I am afraid to lose him. It's like a part of me, missing. But what can I do? I don't want him anymore. I love him. I still do, though he did his best in hurting me badly.

This will do. Accepting the truth, the fact. I don't want to live in denial anymore. Sometimes, the biggest enemy is our own self. Too bad, I didn't pity myself.

If I lose my own self, this is the time I find a new me. I must be so naive before, I made mistakes, too much. I decided on wrong options. I am a "desperate" little chick that don't know the real world. Therefore, change is a must.

Experience maybe what I'm lack of. I grow up with little tendency to understand the meaning of challenge. Fate. I used to be in safe zone. Now it's time for me, to come out, emerge from my cocoon, explore new things. Take risks. It might be a little too late. Or it might not. I will never know what future brings me. But I know one thing.

I have to defeat my biggest challenge.

My Own Self. 

We'll never know what future brings us. I will make lots and lots of mistakes. I will make wrong decisions again in life. I might turn out to be wrong always. I might be down, I might lose myself again. I might be defeated too after this. But I'm glad, Adam, because you had taught me, a lot.

Please be happy.

P/S : I know, I know. It's all about him.

Facebook tak boleh bukak. =(

Tak best, tak best. Facebook tak boleh bukak. Tak boleh nak update info (academic sikit) pasal kawan-kawan kesayangan saya. Saya sayang kawan-kawan saya. Awak je yang tak tahu. Sebab saya tak tunjuk. Malu and segan.

Malam tadi saya sunyi sangat-sangat. Rasa macam nak menangis. Tapi cepat-cepat saya ingat,

Allah ada. 

He'll never leave us whenever we need them the most. Maybe kat sini penuh dengan kenangan saya dengan Adam agaknya. But never mind. He has his own path now. I just can pray for his happiness. I have made my own mistakes too, and maybe it's written that we are not for each other. Allah knows the best.

Entah-entah ibu doa saya dengan dia tak panjang jodoh tak? 

Hehe. Kalau buat, bagus juga. At least I know the man's true colour. Better be careful after this. Saya dah dilanda paranoia.

Malam tadi pak cik saya pinjam lappy saya. Sebab tu saya sunyi sikit kot. Ni pak cik saya. Saya sayang pak cik saya. Tapi semalam saya nampak dia kurus sangat. Errkkhh? Kenapa pak cik kurus sangat eh?

Makan banyak-banyak pak cik. 

Kalau arwah tok ada, mesti dia cakap pak cik baru lepas putus cinta.

As usual, tak ada orang pun layan formspring saya. Isk. Kenyataan menyakitkan. Hurtful truth. Tapi tak pe lah. Sebab saya tak tahu jugak orang nak tanya saya apa. Sebab saya pun tak tahu nak tanya orang pasal apa. Saya lagi suka observe orang kot rather than tanya terus setepek kat muka. Observe lagi mencabar kan?

OK lah, saya nak habiskan tengok Seigi No Mikata lagi ni. Pastu saya nak baca buku. Yosh!

P/S : Saya nak bercuti kat pulau. Saya nak merehatkan dan menenangkan fikiran. =(

Yeay!

Saya dah habis test syntax. Rindu pulak kat Madam Noi. Baiklah, saya nak chow rumah Mak Teh saya kejap lagi. Ada siapa-siapa nak ikut?

Main dengan budak kecik ni. 

P/S : Say Hey, I Love You!