Kejap lagi aku tambah lagi.

Sungguh aku jealous dengan Azraei. Apesal la mamat ni banyak gila berubah daripada dulu. Ke, aku yang tak pernah kenal dia yang sebenar? Ayat power, penuh dengan sarkastik and makna berlapis-lapis, bahasa bombastik, blog best. Haha. Serius kau boleh menulis. Aku jealous.

Oh, peeps, pardon my language. Serious, I am not English expertise. Fluency zero, pronunciation zero, proficiency - intermediate. Low. I just can't think me in front of the class teaching English. Serius, rosak anak bangsa. Nak tukar course, of course la tak sempat. I'm considering taking master in other course. Perkembangan awal kanak-kanak, boleh? Hahaha. By the way, what say you? Oh, of course ar if this happen continuously, if there is no progress at all. I'm trying, buddies.

Aku still dalam proses cari identiti diri. Identity crisis. Should it be overcome by now? I just don't know. Kadang-kadang rasa lost, tak kenal diri sendiri dah. Tak ingat sapa diri sendiri. Haha.

Baik aku ingat balik.

Here's a Piece of Advice for You, Sis..

Seriously, what makes me sad is not him treating you like that, but seeing you unable to let the guy go. It makes me sad, because I feel like it's me all over again who's crying over a boy who doesn't love me.

Akak, saya mungkin bukan orang yang sesuai untuk nasihat akak, sebab saya pernah jadi seorang manusia yang amat bodoh dalam hubungan saya. Tapi, apa yang buat saya tujukan post ni untuk akak, sebab saya tak nak orang lain jadi bodoh, macam mana saya pernah jadi bodoh dulu. Saya tak nak setiap perempuan dalam dunia ni berada dalam tempat saya. Saya dah lalui semuanya, kak, and walaupun saya dah jalinkan hubungan dengan **** 3 tahun, saya lepaskan **** dengan sebab yang amat mudah :

DIA DAH TAK SAYANGKAN SAYA DAN DAH ADA PENGGANTI SAYA.

Akak, kebenaran dan realiti memang pahit, tapi ubat mesti ditelan untuk ubati kesakitan kan? Saya lepaskan **** lepas dia sendiri cakap kat saya, jangan ganggu dia lagi, cari orang lain, sebab dia tak sayangkan saya dah, dah ada pengganti saya, etc, etc. Dia sendiri CAKAP pada saya, kak. TIGA tahun, kak, bukan sekejap. Akak sendiri tengok saya menangis setiap malam dulu. I AM miserable at that time. Saya duduk tepi tangga, larikan diri daripada orang lain, saya tak jaga diri saya. Semuanya sebab saya fikir saya tak boleh hidup tanpa dia. Dia tak nak kat saya, kak. TAK NAK.

Ada orang cakap, kalau kita cintakan orang, kita kena lepaskan dia, and kalau dia datang balik kat kita, tu tandanya tu cinta sejati. Akak, anggap je semua tu BULLSHIT buat masa sekarang. Saya amat percaya dengan cinta Allah. Dan kalau Allah cintakan kita, Allah akan lepaskan kita ke? Allah akan biarkan kita ke? Nope. Allah akan bawa kita pada Dia, kalau Dia sayangkan kita. Allah akan sentiasa bagi peluang, walaupun kita lakukan kesilapan. Kan? Kalau kita tinggalkan Allah, and kita datang balik pada Dia, mengharapkan Dia, Allah akan lari daripada kita ke, kak?

Akak ada jawapannya. Yes, memang cinta manusia tak sempurna macam cinta Allah, tapi sekarang kita sedar, apa tu cinta. Apa tu kasih sayang.

Akak, mungkin bukan mudah, tapi lepaskan dia kak. Saya takkan suruh akak lupakan dia, JANGAN lupakan dia, sebab makin kuat akak cuba lupakan dia, makin kuat akak ingat pada dia. Macam saya cakap tadi, kalau kita sakit, kita kena makan ubat. And biasanya, ubat memang pahit. TELAN kepahitan tu kak. TELAN KEBENARAN tu. Jangan terus butakan mata akak dengan fantasi. Face the truth. DIA DAH TAK NAK AKAK LAGI.

Satu yang saya mintak, jangan simpan dendam akak pada dia lagi. Maafkan dia, kak. Allah dah janjikan pada kita, setiap kemaafan yang kita bagi pada orang, ada ganjarannya pada kita. Percayalah kata-kata saya kak. Ya, saya tahu susah. Akak akan kata dia macam-macam. Salahkan dia. Akak akan salahkan diri akak jugak. Tapi kak, kalau akak buat dia macam tu, apa yang buat akak berbeza dengan dia? Tak ada siapa yang salah. Akak dengan dia memang TAK DICIPTA UNTUK BERSAMA. MEMANG DIA BUKAN UNTUK AKAK, AND AKAK BUKAN UNTUK DIA LAGI.

Akak ingat rukun iman kita kan? Percaya pada QADA' DAN QADAR. Setiap apa yang berlaku, Allah dah tetapkan sesuatu untuk kita kat depan sana. Kita tak tahu masa depan kak. Buang bisikan syaitan yang kata akak tak boleh hidup tanpa dia. AKAK BOLEH.

Sebab saya boleh. Kawan saya boleh. Ramai lagi perempuan yang boleh. Heal that hurt. Kenapa kita nak dambakan hidup kita untuk lelaki yang takkan hargai kita? Kenapa kita nak hambakan diri kita pada orang yang senang beralih hati pada perempuan lain?
Kenapa kita nak lempar hidup kita dalam hidup orang yang akan gantikan kita dalam hidup dia setiap kali kita ada masalah dengan dia?

Saya faham setiap apa yang akak rasa. Setiap apa yang akak lalui, saya dah lalui 3 tahun lebih. Syukur, akak baru lalui semua ni. AND PLEASE, DON'T DRAG YOURSELF TO MY WORLD. JUST DON'T. Don't be fooled by your feelings, because this is NOT love.

Allah takkan beri ujian yang hamba-Nya tak mampu nak tanggung. And akak still bertuah. Sebab Allah pilih akak untuk rasa sakit macam ni. Percayalah akak, ni kesakitan yang terindah. Banyak dekatkan diri dengan Allah. Nampak macam senang, tapi Oh, ni yang paling susah untuk umat Islam nak buat. BALIK PADA ALLAH. Tapi, betulkan niat akak. Insya Allah, Allah tolong akak.

Seriously, akak, saya tak rasa saya orang yang patut nasihat akak walaupun akak mintak nasihat saya. Saya cuma tak nak akak jadi macam saya. BODOH sebab PERASAAN. Bukan sebab cinta or kasih sayang. Semua tu cuma kebodohan, perhambaan pada stupidity. Seriously, saya cuma nampak semua tu CUMA bila saya lepaskan dia. Kita fikir kita cintakan dia, sayangkan dia, kita nak pertahankan CINTA SUCI AND SEJATI, kita nak berkorban demi cinta, kita nak perjuangkan cinta kita, etc. etc. Ya, saya pernah buat menda yang sama. SERIOUSLY, SEKARANG saya nampak macam BODOH. Tapi saya tak menyesal. I've done my very best. And you SHOULD. YOU'VE DONE YOUR VERY BEST. And don't regret everything. Just let GO of him.

YOU WILL BE FREE AFTER THAT, INSYA ALLAH. AMIN.

Tips dari saya :

1. Menangis puas-puas. Tapi esok, walaupun mata bengkak macam kena tumbuk, sure akak akan rasa lega. Kalau kawan-kawan akak tanya, cakap je kena tumbuk.

2. Fikir Alhamdulillah dia tak jadi suami akak lagi. Kalau dah kahwin, akak gaduh dengan dia seminggu ke, sebulan ke, dia cari perempuan lain. Haish. Naya tu. Kesian pulak anak-anak akak. Kita maybe boleh tanggung. Anak-anak?

3. Dia merokok? Oh, tu reason akak memang kena pergi. Kalau akak kahwin nanti, dia merokok depan akak time pregnant, kesian baby akak. Tak sihat tumbesaran pulak.

4. Dia jaga solat tak? *wink*

5. Fikir pasal family? Hahaha. Saya gelakkan diri saya kak. Seriously. Akak buat la macam mana, kenalkan dia pada family ke, family kita tolong dia ke, kita dah banyak berkorban untuk dia ke,kalau dia tak nak, tak de guna. Mak saya, arwah nenek saya. siap dengan kaum kerabat saya pun dah kenal **** tu kak. Ayah saya siap pernah marah saya sebab bil telefon penuh nombor dia, mak saya tolong dia, concern la pasal dia, etc. etc., tak ke mana jugak.

6. Okeh, senang cerita, lepas ni kalau ada boy cakap nak serius dengan akak, lupakan. He's just bullshitting.

7. JANGAN PASANG LAGU-LAGU SEDIH, LAGU-LAGU AKAK DENGAN DIA, JANGAN DEKAT DENGAN HP SELALU, JANGAN BUKAK MYSPACE, FRIENDSTER, TAGGED, FACEBOOK, TWITTER DIA.

8. JANGAN TUNJUK LANGSUNG AKAK MENGHARAP KAT DIA.

9. KALAU DIA CARI AKAK LAGI, FIRST THING YOU HAVE TO DO, CARI SAYA, MIJAH OR KAWAN-KAWAN AKAK. JANGAN JADI BODOH MACAM SAYA, RAHSIA SORANG-SORANG PASTU SAKIT SENDIRI.

10. Lain-lain, nanti saya tambah lagi. I can' think at this moment. Saya tak nak pulak memburukkan ****. That's not my intention. And I won't.

Take Care Sis. Good Luck!
You'll be fine kak. I give you my words.

Hey There!

I deleted some post here, which does mean that some of the things I've wrote down here are not needed anymore. See, this is the first post for 2010, and things change, rite? Oh, I should write how things keep going with my relationship since Odah has recently answered a question in facebook for me and she thinks I make books on relationship failure. She knows me that well, oh, Odah is one of my besties. (I still consider her as my bestfriend)

Me at my mak teh's house. I can't sleep early these days. I don't know why, though. Suddenly tired with so many relationship failure, so I guess I should stop having relationship with all those boys. Hey, mind you, I'm not a playgirl. Tak layak pun jadi playgirl.

Ha'ah kan. All this while, I was always involved with guys. No wonder then, Mijah said that I can't live without man. Okeh, I'm out of it now. I don't want this anymore. Seriously, I feel tired and sick of it.

I should start to get a life. Gila apa orang boleh tak percaya aku betul-betul nak belajar. Selama ni aku betul-betul tak belajar ke? Is it too unbelievable to stop playing around and start studying? Is it too impossible for me? Gila, diorang cabar aku ke apa ni?

ATHIRAH, BERDIRI DI BUMI YANG NYATA.

Okeh, maybe I should change myself this year.

I am SHOPAHOLIC!

Oh, I spent too much already. Ibu, tolonglah jangan bagi akak guna duit ni. Akak betul-betul dah jadi boros ni. Huhu.


Man, he's too sweet. Kadang-kadang aku rasa macam terawang-awang je. Gila apa buat aku macam ni. Saja je ak buat aku minat dia ke apa. But then, kalau betul pun, I am afraid to be hurt again. Seriously, aku jadi paranoid lagi. Eventhough dia buat aku really lupa Adam, haish, aku takut nak rapat dengan dia. No, not this time. I should get away from this feeling. Come on, girl. Learn from the mistake.

Athirah, you should stop here. Get away from him. Stop contacting him. You had enough.

Oh, ok.

Errmmm..

Maybe I should just stop blogging.

*_*

My tok is one of the outspoken granny in the world. She will say what ever she want to say, without thinking it first, and sometimes, it seems funny although it does annoy me a lot before this.

There was once, my neighbour bawak anjing dia jalan-jalan kat neighbourhood ni. And my tok used to sit in front of the door every evening. Bila jiran aku lalu je depan rumah aku, my tok shouted :

" Weh, TAK BOLEH BAWAK ANJING KAT SINI! AGAMA SAYA MARAH, TAK BOLEH BELA ANJING! APA PASAI AWAK BELA ANJING, TAK BOLEH, TAK BOLEH! "

My mom was very shocked at that time, and for me, I just laughed in my room. Terer betol tok boleh sound orang tu macam tu je kuat-kuat daripada rumah tu.

Tok selalu mengadu kat ibu bila aku tido lambat. Dia biasanya akan terjaga pukul 12 malam, tengok jam, and tido balik. Kadang-kadang, aku tak tido lagi pukul 1 lebih tu. Esok petang, dia mengadu :

" Ayu tu, pukul 3 4 pagi tak tido lagi. Berjaga, main mesej dengan sape entah. Aku bangun pukul 3 tengok dia dok tengah main tet tet tet tet je. "

Tapi tok jugak la penderma terbesar topup aku. Kalau aku tengah sesak, duit takde, aku guna ayat power aku.

" Tok, nak pinjam 5 ringgit, nak beli topup".

" Topak topak je keje". Tapi pastu dia akan hulur 5 ringgit. And aku akan kata :

" Ada duit sok ayu bayar balik".

Seperti dijangka, tok akan cakap, " Tak payahla".

Hehe. Walaupun tok memang suka bergaduh dengan aku, tapi dia suka jugak menghulur duit pada aku. Errmmm...

Dia sunyi, aku tahu. Aku kurang bercakap dengan dia, sedangkan aku tahu dia memang perlu orang untuk bercakap. Kadang-kadang dia bercerita pada aku. Kadang-kadang dia menyanyi.

Kalau tak tahu nak buat apa, tok baca Al-Quran.

Bila aku balik cuti, lepas subuh aku akan tido, sampai pukul 12. Sunyinya tok masa ni. Kat rumah tak de orang, aku pulak asyik tido je. Kak Yan tak leh bercakap pulak.

Petang-petang, dia selalu membebel, sebab aku tak buat air untuk dia minum. Dia selalu kena buat sendiri, and kadang-kadang aku buat tak peduli je. Sebab biasanya Kak Yan akan buat air teh petang-petang.

Banyak menda yang dia suruh buat tapi aku tak ikut. Aku bukan cucu yang baik.

Sedangkan dia sayangkan aku. Aku ingat, masa aku kecik, aku lapar tengah-tengah malam, ibu and abah pulak tak de. Aku kejut tok, cakap aku lapar. Dia bangun malam-malam tu, panaskan nasi, gaul dengan minyak sapi and kicap. Berselera aku makan.

I used to follow her everywhere when I was small but when I am growing up, I keep apart from her. That's what I regret the most. When I recite Ayatul Quran for her, I will end up remembering the time when she taught me how to recite Al-Fatihah, ayat Kursi, 3 Qul before I went to sleep. She told me to recite Bismillah 21 times when I want to go to bed.

Yes, I still remember those times.

Aku tak terasa tok dah tak de. Walaupun aku sedekahkan Al-Fatihah untuk dia setiap kali lepas solat, aku still rasa dia ada. Aku tak terasa dia dah pergi.

Hari ni genap 22 hari dia dah tak de.

P/s : Post kali ni berterabur. Banyak menda nak tulis, tapi tak tau nak susun ayat. Penat.

Macam-Macam

I just made a new spectacles!

Thank God my mum bought me a new one, and i am no longer look like a teenager stuck in the middle-age woman face. Abang Shikh said once that I look like a 25 years old lady, oh, please, that's totally not me!

I am back home, relieved that finally I'm back, but exhausted of getting the job done. I have to fill the loan form, tidy my room, and still, I can't meet my friends yet. I miss them.

I don't know why, I'm getting angrier to myself for can't actually do nothing for my grandma. Yup, my grannny, who always stirs my nerves, but I do love her. I love her very much, although she kept me tired of hearing her babbles all day, accusing me for all the thing I'm not. For God's sake, she IS my granny no matter what, and I AM mad to 'somebody' who I think don't have my respect any longer. Come ON! she is YOUR mother! how could you do that to her! dah lah tak balik hari raya, and now she is sick, have your respect, she IS your responsibility! nobody wants you to take care of her, if you don't want to, because WE ALL still ada, tapi have sense la!

benci betul! ridiculous! datang tengok kejap je? nak jaga? MUJUR!

I don't know what to do. please la. even me, myself, aku sakit hati dengan apa yang tok cakap pun, aku ada lagi respect, ada lagi perasaan sayang, ada lagi perasaan tanggungjawab yang aku rasa.
what about you? pray that your own son will NEVER do that to you some day in the future. tolonglah, sakit hati betul.

please and please remember, SYURGA TU BAWAH TAPAK KAKI IBU.

huh. if you want me to be disrespectful, try me, and you will get it. my mom gives me good teaching, and she told me to respect you, but think, how am I gonna respect you if you don't respect how's your mother's feelings? geram la.

mmm... setel.

I'm getting stronger day by day. I don't know why, things seems to be better. small things don't easily influenced my emotions, like I'm used to. I'm not easily upset, and my whole life's changing right now. I should be thankful, thank God, for experiences teach me how to be strong, and life gives me lessons.

how I wish I don't think too much. people think that I think too much and they keep telling me again and again. people, I am tired, yes, I am tired to hear all of you repeating the same thing to me. Yet, I just don't know how to stop thinking. If I can stop think, I assure you, that at that time, I am no longer breathing. I just can't stop my mind functioning. yeah, I know, I put too much effort to my brain. Pity you, brainy.

Abang Hafiz
My mom has a staff who I called Abang Hafiz. err, I actually called him En. Hafiz, but my mom always addressed him as Abang Hafiz when she mentioned him to me. he is such a soft-spoken, goody-two-shoes, (boy-next-door?) person. Dia cute, except for the part yang dia tu kecik je, rendah daripada aku. comel comel comel.

Masa balik hari tu, aku duduk dengan dia kat belakang. and when we go to Chow Kit to but tudung, pity him, duduk je tepi hotel tunggu my mom, aku and Mak Cik Bedah cari tudung. hohoho. memang baik. aku rasa macam untung je sapa yang jadi isteri dia. hahaha.

my friends said that I am such a player. come on, muka macam ni mana ada muka player. hahaha. nanti la aku cerita detail lagi. ngantok.

daa daa...

esok nak jumpa mas dengan aswa jap!

Brother, this is for you.

I feel like I'm missing somebody today. 3 days without contacting him, because I'm worried that I might disturb him. He's a doctor, and he got his own problem too. I just don't want to make someone's life 'miserable' because of me. "but then, I'm busy too."

I miss his 'keperasanan' when he talk like every nurses develop romantic feelings towards him, I like the way of how he's telling me that this girl likes him very much, that girl likes to flirt with him, this mak datin tried to seduce him, and the way he says that he is handsome, and force me to tell him that he is handsome. I like the way he asked me whether he should marry, and force me to find him a good girl to be her spouse, but then later, he said to me that he don't want to marry. "Pulak dah."

I miss his 'kemerepekan', he likes to do weird thingy, he makes me laugh 'like a horse' and then kutuk aku depan-depan. I like when he told me 'pintu rumah jatuh atas kepala dia' and I laughed out loud. I love to think that he is more childish than he should be. Come on, what do you expect from a 23 years old doctor-to-be? he is far too different from what I used to think about him. I love the moment he ask me, "Dah makan belum, buat apa tu?" and after 2 to 3 minutes later, he ask me the same questions again. Short term memory. *wink*

I like the way he threaten me, that if I want us to stay contacting each other, I have to stop 'dogging' and teasing him with Doc D, a cute, nice and educated woman. hehehe. i'm just joking! "chill out, big bro!"

I like the way he advices me, gives sermons, asks me all about my problem, and then suddenly, he switches topic, he keeps telling me and repeating the story of "sampin terjatuh".

I like the way he promises me that he will text me, or tell me to wait for him to finish his job first, but later he will fall asleep, and the morning after he will laugh when I phone him, and says sorry, because he was too tired. "Gedik betol!"

I miss the way he complains about his weight, he tells me he doesn't wanna eat because he wanna lose weight, because he's afraid that nobody will want him. I love the way he teases me, he lies to me, even I know that it is not true, and i will keep pretending that I don't know that matter. "oh, I've grown up, remember?"

since we are not contacting each other for 3 days (ceh, 3 hari je?) I just hope he is in good health, and don't feel burnout lagi. You should be happy with your life, bro! Never think too much, just enjoy your life, even if you face monstrous problems.

Oh, my friends keep repeating that I have scandal with him, and they believe that I have develop romantic feelings towards him. Mind you, he is like my big bro, the one that will keep me laugh after I've cry, the one who I will share my story with, even the tiniest bit of stuff, just like Raifana, my besties.

Raifana gives me inspirations, and he will give me laugh. Raifana will give me strength, keep me in high spirit to keep living, rules my life, and he will distract me from remembering bad memories. Raifana will make me relieved with my cries and he will make me wipe my tears and smile suddenly.

I think it is irony. I thought that if I lost 'that' person, I won't feel the happiness any longer. Instead, Lord knows better. I got many friends, shit, I've started to love my classmates, they are great! they make me laugh all the time. they make me smile even if I don't feel like to smile. I got great roommates, Mijah, Kak Irni and Kak Wahida. I got great besties, and now I got a new great bro.

p/s : Kak Irni kate abang shikh nak tukar nombor telefon sebab ramai sangat orang yang suka kacau abang shikh? hahaha! perasan!

*this big bro is Abang Shikh Mohd Yazid b. Shikh Omar.

I just received a bad news from my mom, telling me that Naqib's granny had passed away this morning, around 1a.m. so, Naqib, takziah aku ucapkan. Now, it made sense, I phoned him yesterday and he didn't pick up the phone. May Allah bless her soul and may Allah regards her as faithful Muslimin, places her among the Mukminin, Insya Allah.

the internet connection is kinda pissing me off recently. it is getting slower, and I hope this will not going to last for long. I am frustrated with the connection, what do you expect when your mother pays RM68 per month and still, you cannot surf the internet when you are really in need for a particular purpose? oh, Celcomers, please listen to our complaints, your LOyal users...please do...hohoho...

one facts about me, i've finish one assignment! yeeho! so, that means I have 3 to 4 assignments to be done, yet, i don't even start for a single piece of paper. aga aga aga... so, menari2 lah aku hari ni nak buat semua. and who says that taking 'language' as a major is not hard? linguistic is a kind of science, try it, and you will be surprised as I am, wondering, what the hell am I doing in this kind of stuff?

I am not like Kei and Sai, and Ainatul, they are like....Geniuses, and it seems that the others are like, brilliant, they got most of the qualities you expect to have in English expertise, oh God (oh LOrd-using Kei's slangs) I guess I really am tercampak je dalam course ni.

I just realized that Poo is one of the youngest too! i got no specialties now, no immunity of being one of the youngest, because Teha, Ema, Bazla, and now Poo has joined the club. we are all born in 1991, but diorang ni, adoyai, susah betol nak cakap. Brain, berfungsilah dengan baik, wahai sayang!

mmm... among all of the TESLian part 1, I must say that I like Kei, it is not the 'liking feeling' towards boy, but you know, I am very much impressed of him. I don't know why, he got that 'qualities' that make all of us attracted to him. For me he's cool, although he is the kind of 'Hotties'... oh, janganlah fikir yang aku minat pulak kat dia. Aku just kagum dengan dia, and even he tries to annoy me, he just can't. More or less, I am fond of him in a way that he brings himself out for attention, but in the same time, we have to dig out his life to see his true colours. Oh, I know, I like his personality! yah, the most suitable sentence that FINALLY i can make for that guy.

I'm going back to kuantan this friday. i miss my home so much, boleh la ajak Aswa pergi jalan2. now I can drive, I wish my mother gives me permission to drive the Kenari. kalau tak, cilok sekejap motor abah, pergi jalan-jalan ke TC. aku pernah buat kot, sorang-sorang pulak tu.

Abang Shikh

I made a promise to write something about Abg Shikh, but I don't know what to write. Some how, I just know him for a few weeks, and though I got quite some to tell, I just don't see any significance telling them to people. hahaha. Except for the part that my friends think that I have scandal with him. Come on, guys! he's my senior kot. Apart from that, he's a nice man that i got to know, and he always make me laugh, like the way I laugh when I talk with Naqib. err...maybe i will write more about him in the next post.

until then, taa... nak makan megi plak...